If eyebrows were meant to be artworks, they wouldn’t be made of hair

Following is an excerpt from this week’s column on AL.com. The link at the bottom takes you to the full column. I do that because I hope you will enjoy it but AL.com owns the rights to this column so I can’t blog it in its entirety.

Omigosh, y’all. Can we please, for the love of nanner pudding, leave our eyebrows alone? Unless you have two that have grown together, which was not what God intended, you shouldn’t be messing with them.

Pluck them every now and then if you must, but don’t sculpt them into works of arch. Hair is not sculpting material. How do I know? Because I’ve seen chest-hair art and I still haven’t recovered. Click here to read that column.

Before the holidays, I gave in and wrote about Christmas tree eyebrows but I had enough restraint not to write about unicorn or dragon or feathered brows. And that’s serious restraint for a humor columnist, y’all. But I worry I might encourage these highbrow beauty bloggers who are apparently in the midst of a battle for facial hair supremacy.

This newest creation has turned the competition into an all-out eyebrawl. This time, they’re called Halo Brows, the creation of 16-year-old British blogger named Hannah Lyne. Check out her Instagram posts here.

Cosmopolitan quoted Hannah: “I was having a conversation with a friend trying to come up with a new idea for a look, and all of a sudden it came to me that I should connect my brow tails.”

No. Just no. Wait … “brow tails?” We have those? Which end is the tail? But, still … no.

I suppose we can forgive little Hannah for not thinking of the much more clever name “sacred brow.” Right? Is anyone virtually high-fiving me right now? Fine, I’ll high-five myself. (Turns out, high-fiving yourself is a lot like clapping.)

We can also overlook some lapse in judgment because she’s still a teen, and because those Brits have odd senses of humor, but Cosmopolitan should know better. The headline on the website’s post was “These Heavenly ‘Halo Brows’ Are Strangely Beautiful.” Click here to read the full column on AL.com.