In the halcyon days after we’ve successfully navigated the dizzying switch from Halloween to Hallmark, it’s time for humor columnists everywhere to take a step back from snark and try to bring a tear to your eye. Yep, it’s what we live for. If just one of you wells up and sobs big, globulous tears, I will be able to pat myself on the back and stuff myself with turkey with a clear conscious that I have done my writerly duty.
Don’t act like it’s easy. It’s not like I have at my disposal a big brother returning from the Army to surprise his dimpled baby sister in her pigtails and bunny slippers, just as a soft snow begins to fall. No, I have to rely on my creativity to give just the right amount of tug to warm your jaded heartstrings. It kinda stresses me out, y’all.
So I’m just going to write a simple, obligatory “what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving” essay and be done with it, OK? Y’all email and let me know how much you cried (ranking from 1 to 5, with 1 being dry enough to light a match on your eyeball and 5 being snot dripping unchecked from the tip of your nose.)
What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving
By Kelly Kazek
- Pumpkin pie.
- Grandmother Caldwell’s dressing.
- Aunt Peau’s dressing.
- Any dressing.
Whoa. Let me back up. I am sensing my thankfulness for Southern foods is not going to make you tear up (unless of course you are living in some faraway land and pining for home cooking, in which case, I’m sorry. That was cruel.)
Let’s try this again:
- Chris Hemsworth
- Channing Tatum … so fine, drooling is not the same as crying. Let’s try another direction. …. Click here to read the column in its entirety.