Blog Post, Column

When Bigfoot officiated Santa’s wedding: A southern fairy tale

So I blogged about this — the most unlikely event in the history of events — when it occurred back in May but I’ve now fleshed it out into a fairy tale for posterity. You know, so people from the future can say, “This is one crazy fairy tale. The ones with dwarves, witches and fairy godmothers seem much more conceivable.”

Once upon a time, a giant lived among us. He was 6-foot-7 and weighed nearly 300 pounds. He was big, y’all. (This is a southern fairy tale).

He was a gentle giant but he had a burning ambition: He dreamed of owning a Bigfoot suit. There was a reason for this … no one has any idea what it was, but we feel sure there was a reason. He would tell anyone who would listen how he would first use this Bigfoot suit to walk around at night and frighten people. After that, he planned to start a Rent-a-Squatch business. His long-suffering wife pleaded with him to let the dream die.

kelly and sweetumsquatch
I may look happy in this selfie but I’m really thinking “He’ll get shot.”

“You’ll get shot,” she said through her tears. After many years of hearing Sweetums’ (she called him “Sweetums”) discuss his dream, she gradually began giving another response: “Just make sure all your life insurance is paid up.”

Sweetums even mentioned the possibility of dressing as Sasquatch at his own wedding until others told him it would be best to not scare the bride away because by this point she was a long-suffering fiancée and she was already on the edge. So Sweetums settled for placing a small, tasteful Bigfoot statue near the altar and everyone was happy, if a little weirded out.

Most Bigfoot costumes sold at Halloween shops were not large enough to fit the oversized Sweetums, so he waited.

Then one day, Sweetums’ friend, Santa Bob, made a request. Santa Bob got his nickname because he had spent years portraying Kris Kringle for the local children, a job that gave him great pleasure. Recently, Santa Bob told Sweetums he’d decided to renew his vows with Ramona, his wife of 30 years. He wanted to dress as Santa for the ceremony but he also wanted the event to be special for his bride, who had never had the desire to portray Mrs. Claus. Ramona was, however, a Bigfoot aficionado. She collected figures of Sasqui (the correct plural, y’all) and watched TV shows about Sasquatch whenever she had the chance.

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SweetumSquatch officiating the vow renewal of Santa Bob and Ramona. (Photo by Kelly Kazek/Permission Required)

Santa Bob thought of his friend Sweetums and knew he could help make his bride’s dreams come true: He wanted Sweetums to officiate the vow renewal while dressed as Sasquatch. (Did we mention Sweetums is also a certified wedding officiate? Because of course he is).

It was all the impetus Sweetums needed. He special-ordered a Sasquatch suit for the big event. In fact, he got two because everyone knows you need a backup if you plan to start a Rent-a-Squatch business.

And so it came to pass that @SweetumSquatch – his Twitter handle and sometime-nickname – stood beneath a pavilion at an Alabama park, sweating through his fur, and directed the vow ceremony between a man dressed as Santa, who was also sweating, and his bride of three decades.

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SweetumSquatch officiating the vow renewal of Santa Bob and Ramona. (Photo by Kelly Kazek/Permission Required)

(See accompanying photos for proof. And, yes, I am willing to submit them for scientific scrutiny to prove they are real.)

Following the special ceremony, SweetumSquatch considered walking over to other picnic sites to frighten park visitors but his wife said, “You’ll get shot.” Instead he and Santa posed for photos with guests, then they all ate hot dogs.

And everyone, except Sweetums’ long-suffering wife, lived happily ever after. The long-suffering wife is me, y’all.(help….)

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SweetumSquatch officiating the vow renewal of Santa Bob and Ramona. (Photo by Kelly Kazek/Permission Required)
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SweetumSquatch officiating the vow renewal of Santa Bob and Ramona. (Photo by Kelly Kazek/Permission Required)
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SweetumSquatch in front of his custom made Bigfoot quilt. (Photo by Kelly Kazek/Permission Required)

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