Column

Here’s why southerners are tired of taking New York’s poop

Here’s why southerners are tired of taking New York’s poop: Following is an excerpt from this week’s column on AL.com. The link at the bottom takes you to the full column. I do that because AL.com owns the rights to this column and I can’t blog it in its entirety.

Enough is enough, New York. Stop trying to dump your poop on unsuspecting southerners or we’re gonna have to open a can of Ima Pinch Your Head Off, which is the southern version of a can of (whisper) Whoop A**. Better still, we’ll have our mamas do it.

Last week, when I read about the “poop train” left sitting for months on the tracks in the small town of Parrish, Alabama, I could feel the pain of those residents. Even though I couldn’t smell the stench of the sewer sludge emanating from the cars, I’d experienced this kind of situation before when I was editor of the newspaper in Athens, Alabama. In that case, farmers were using “hu-manure” from a New York company to fertilize their crops. Neighbors protested the aroma emanating from the “doodie farm” so the company, Synagro Technologies, promised to make the excrement more odiferous. As if they could make it smell like something Matthew McConaughey would hawk in a moody black-and-white commercial.

Any-hoo, the recent doodie train had been passed from town to town across Jefferson County, with each community playing a game of elimination, trying to move the poo along. It was headed for a nearby landfill but what I want to know is, why did the multi-car train keep stopping on tracks smack dab in the middle of these towns? It’s a train. It moves. And there’s a whole lotta rural in Alabama. Of course, then we’d have to worry about the woodland creatures dropping dead from the fumes but that’s another story entirely. Was the company hoping to set up a trackside stand to sell eau de toilet? Someone should tell them that’s not what that means, y’all. Click here to read the full column on AL.com.

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