Poo is not a toy, y’all, no matter what Mattel says

A couple of weeks ago, I made a meme about the poop trend going too far. (See it below). Then today I saw a story about Mattel – Mattel, y’all; the toy maker – releasing a game where kids play with poop (so far, they’re only using fake poo but it’s only a matter of time). The reason they created it is to compete with Hasbro, which recently had a hit with the game, Toilet Trouble, and followed it up with game Number 2, called Don’t Step In It.

Sweetums and I would be really good at Don’t Step in It. It involves being blindfolded and trying not to step in little clay “poos,” which I can only assume is a game of elimination. We play something similar every Saturday in the back yard where the dogs stay. We’re not blindfolded but, trust me, it is still a game of chance.

Mattel’s new game is called Flushin’ Frenzy, because what parent doesn’t want to encourage children to play in the toilet? Here’s what the article said, “Toy analysts and experts say the potty-related toys are hitting stores now because of the popularity of the poop emoji, which has also made it more acceptable for parents to buy poop toys for their kids.” Made it more acceptable for parents to buy poop for their kids. This is un-southern, y’all. This is so un-southern.

We do not speak of (whisper) bathroom exertions.

See, this is what is wrong with this country today. People are asking why American Olympians aren’t getting as many gold medals this year. This is why. Instead of encouraging healthy athletic competition, we’re letting kids play with crap. Nothing good can come of it.

Reading about this utterly depressed me, but it also reminded me of a chapter from my book “Fairly Odd Mother: Musings of a Slightly Off Southern Mom,” that provides a legitimate use for poop.

Here it is (you’re welcome):

Whew! What a relief. Crisis averted.

I could smell a fight brewing when some Limestone County residents recently raised a stink and some strategically worded signs about a local “doodie farm,” where human waste was being spread on crops as fertilizer. Not only is this “humanure” unsafe, opponents say, it smells to high heaven. Well.

I’m not sure how that fragrance thing got by farmers before they decided to use the stuff (Maybe they thought eu de toilet meant…nah.) Is it any wonder their neighbors are flush with anger?

In case you missed it, here’s the poop: Officials at Synagro Technologies have agreed not to use any more processed sewer sludge on local pastures after Limestone County Commissioners sought an injunction, saying they’re not taking any crap. The company will continue to use “the product” on “remote” areas after it is worked into the soil rather than spread on top in an effort to reduce the smell. Better still, the processing company will seek to make the sewer sludge smell more pleasant in the future. Good luck with that. They better get Martha Stewart on that project, pronto.

What seemed to bother people more, though, than the fact that someone past the age of 2 doesn’t know better than to spread doodie around, was the news that this particular, er, stuff, came from New York City. It was like someone dropped a bomb.

You could almost hear the collective voice of the county raised in the high-pitched, disbelieving cry of the Pace salsa slogan, “This *#%@’s from New York City?!” I could understand it. It’s offensive that those arrogant New Yorkers decided that what goes through their toilets belongs on Alabamians’ future food.

And if we were disposed to spread sewer sludge on crops, couldn’t we find some local poop? Or at the very least, regional? I can’t imagine there’s a shortage. It’s one natural resource that keeps going, and going, and going…
Could be, with all those alligators living in New York City sewers, they ran out of space to store theirs.

I’m guessing most of you, like me, didn’t know there was such a thing as human waste fertilizer. And most of you, like me, could have lived, say, another 80 years without the knowledge. But we have been forced to become experts in excrement.

We learned that although chemically treated sewer sludge was approved by the Environmental Protection Agency for this use, some people are concerned it contains dangerous bacteria and could make our families sick. Let’s review.

It has a smell no striking of a match can dissipate, it contains bacteria, it is typically found in diapers and toilets (though sometimes on walls if you have a toddler), and someone has to pay to process it before it can be spread. And that’s an improvement on good, old-fashioned cow patties….how?

It’s not like there’s a higher, Nobel-winning purpose here, like the creation of human waste “bio-gas” to provide power in Rwandan prisons. Problem: too many prisoners, nowhere to put the waste, expensive power. Solution: Poo-power. Now inmates eat food cooked on stoves that run on the methane-type fuel. While I would hesitate to eat a gas-powered steak, this, at least, is an admirable use. I tried to find the good in our local situation. Really, I did.

The lesson, it seems to me, is simple: Fences make good neighbors. Feces? Not so much.