Some columns just write themselves

The following is an excerpt from my book “Fairly Odd Mother: Musings of a Slightly Off Southern Mom.”

Anyone who reads this column knows my policy is, “I don’t judge.” It just wouldn’t be Southern.

Sure, people sometimes read something into the tone of a column but I say, without judgment, “That’s their problem.” So when I relate information to you, as I am about to do, it is for your own good. You need to know what’s going on in the world, right? You need to be prepared. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

This week, my reports focus on, if you can believe it, people who are really stupid experiencing a few problems.

Ironically, three of the four incidents reported occurred in Florida (not that I am drawing any conclusions, although it is a state where you can eat fried alligator on a stick. I’m just sayin.’)

This first incident occurred last week on Islamorada in the Florida Keys. Dispatchers at the local sheriff’s department received a call from a man who said he had been “crushed.”

Not knowing what to expect, authorities rushed to the scene. There they found a man pinned beneath the head of a massive water buffalo. While I suppose it is possible water buffalo roam the wilds of Florida — or at least water buffalo-sized cockroaches — this one, until a few minutes before, had been mounted on the wall.

The man had fallen asleep in a recliner located just below the head, and awoke to find himself staring into its huge, glassy eyes. It was so heavy, the man could not move, but thankfully, his cell phone was within reach.

The man was treated at the local hospital for minor injuries sustained during the water buffalo attack. Just another day in the Keys.

On Tuesday in Destin, police responded to a different kind of emergency — a report of a toxic substance in a home that was causing neighbors’ to have breathing difficulties and watery eyes.

A HAZMAT team rushed to the home, blocked off the street and told neighbors and the woman inside the home to evacuate. Then they began their search for the problem. Could it be a meth lab? A terrorist attack? Eventually, authorities found the source: a five-gallon container of rancid mayonnaise left by previous owners. At least now residents know not to borrow condiments from this particular neighbor.

In the only emergency incident last week that did not occur in Florida, an Alliance, Ohio, woman who called 911 ended up being thrown in jail herself. Her crime? She just needed a little lovin.’

Audrey Scott called five times in a one-hour span with this emergency: She needed a husband. Here’s a transcript of one call:

Scott: Get me that husband.

Dispatcher: You need to get a husband?

Scott: Yes.

Dispatcher: Do you know you can get arrested for dialing 911?

Seems she did, and she was.

In Scott’s defense, she had a really good explanation after she spent three days in jail: “I had too much to drink. I was feeling bad,” she told a local reporter.

But I have some good news for Scott. She really doesn’t need a husband. I have proof. Police in New Port Richey, Fla., responded to a call from a woman who said her husband had tried to strangle her. The man readily admitted he had done the deed and asked to be arrested. When an officer asked the man why he strangled his wife, he responded: “If you were married, you would understand.”

Sometimes, these things just write themselves.