Blog Post

When you catch your husband with his hand in your gnome’s butt …

Sweetums is never one to let a contentious election keep him down. Perhaps it’s a good thing that he provided a much-needed distraction Tuesday night as the country focused on poor ol’ Alabama. (And for the record, World, I love this state and its wonderful people unconditionally).

Any-hoo, back to Sweetums and his distraction. I was coming from the living room to greet him in the kitchen as he came home from work when I spied an astonishing tableau before me: Sweetums had a tissue in his hand and he was wedging it (the tissue, not his hand … I think) into the butt-crack of our small concrete garden gnome. He could easily access the crack because it’s a Mooning Garden Gnome, y’all (I’ll wait while you express shock that we have one of these … yeah, that oughta be long enough). His usual spot is on the front porch were he can moon delivery persons and woodland creatures who happen past.

I stopped short when I saw Sweetums and wondered, as you might assume, why he’d brought the Mooning Gnome inside and why, for the love of chocolate gravy, he was wiping Gnomey’s butt with a tissue.

Sweetums wiping the butt of our Mooning Gnome.

“I’m wiping off the scuff mark,” Sweetums explained. It’s true that Mooning Gnome had at some point acquired a smudge on his right cheek. We’d wondered how it got there – had a delivery person kicked it, or perhaps one of the many rabbits in our yard nibbled it? – but we’d never felt the need to actually clean the gnome’s butt.

Turns out, Sweetums had a motive. After wiping Gnomey’s hiney, Sweetums stuck his “I Voted” sticker to Gnomey’s cheek. Yes, he had gone to all this trouble just to make a unique, by which I mean utterly weird, “I Voted” photo. And for the curious, last year the sticker was on the Bigfoot statue. I’ll wait while you express shoc… never mind.

Sweetums “I Voted” pic.


Gnomey’s usual place on our front porch.
The Bigfoot statue in our front garden.
“Our front garden,” she said proudly.

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