Column

10 reasons southern women will always survive a horror movie

This column appears on AL.com. The link below will take you to the full column.

Here’s the thing about southern women: We are prepared for every situation. We have ingredients to make a casserole in the pantry in case of birth, death or sickness. We style our hair based on the current degree of humidity in the air. We keep thank you notes at the ready. And we know how to change a tire because our daddies insisted.

Southern women aren’t damsels in distress – sure, we might abide by the Suzanne Sugarbaker rule “the man should have to kill the bug,” but it’s not because we can’t kill the bug. It’s because we don’t want to. That’s why I think any southern woman could survive a horror movie. A steel magnolia knows to be nice … until it’s time to not be nice. Then, Freddy or Michael or Jason better give their hearts to Jesus because their butts are ours.

Still not convinced? Here’s more:

  1. When being chased, we know to avoid the shed filled with axes, scythes, handsaws, pitchforks and an array of other farm implements. We weren’t born in a barn but we know how tools are used … and in this scenario, their main use is impaling.
  2. We quite literally wouldn’t be caught dead wearing high heels in the woods. We’ll have on our well-worn cowboy boots or Timberlands so we can run from Demented Killer without falling and twisting an ankle – plus, we’d save our stilettos from being rurnt in all that dirt.
  3. Our cars would never refuse to start. Our daddies made sure we know car maintenance so that when we finally reach the safety of the car, there’s no chance the engine won’t turn over. Click here to read the full column on AL.com.

3 thoughts on “10 reasons southern women will always survive a horror movie”

  1. It’s true. Here in Yankee territory, some of us are self reliant and always prepared (yours truly included) some not. It depends on whether you live in the city or the country, and there aren’t a lot of miles in between in this tiny state (RI)!. In the “country” the ladies aren’t afraid of anything and go hunting with their husbands and kids. In the city or surburbia, the kids in a classroom get freaked out if a bee flies in through the window. They think I’m brave when I roll up a newspaper or magazine and swat it. There was a family of squirrels living in the attic in the school. One day, one decided to come down, got into my room and ran around in terror trying to find a way out. It was hard to tell who was more scared, it or the kids, who all ran out of the room. The other teachers seemed to think I should run out too, but I calmly opened the door out into the back yard and he ran out. End of problem. Why should I be scared of a little squirrel? But it makes me wonder, what would they do in a REAL emergency?? Would I be the only one to keep a cool head? That’s what I find scary.

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    1. I know what you mean! I really appreciate your comments and I love that you share your personal stories. That’s always such fun to read.
      And, of course, there are both kinds of women in the south, also. We just like to play up the stereotypes.

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