Ever been on a nakation? Here’s what to expect

The following selection is from my 2010 book “Fairly Odd Mother: Musings of a Slightly Off Southern Mom.”

If it weren’t for the extra pound or 30 I’m carrying around, I might just consider taking a nakation this year. Never heard of one? It’s a vacation, only without clothes. You’d be nekkid.

Don’t get your drawers in a panic (if you’re wearing any). Everyone else would be nekkid, too. Seems nakations are all the rage these days. CNN — Curmudgeon News Network — said so. The reporter gives this quote: “‘… there’s the idea that if you’ve lost the shirt off your back, you should go nude,’ said Erich Schuttauf, executive director of the American Association of Nude Recreation.”

Director of nude recreation. Who knew? I thought that was Hugh Hefner, who lost the shirt off his back years ago and hasto go around wearing PJs. Any-hoo, I think we Americans are more practical than Schuttauf thinks.

Basically, on a nakation:

• We don’t have to worry what to pack: Sunscreen, shoes. Oh, and maybe a towel for those really hot car seats.
• We don’t have to answer calls from the office because there’s no place to carry our cell phones.
• We don’t have to fix our hair or put on our makeup because no one will be looking at our faces.

I’m just sayin.’

Just a tip, though. Try taking a nakation to Disney World and you’re likely to end up in a jail cell holding your Mickey Mouse ears over your nether regions. But never fear. The CNN article recommended some resorts at which taking a nakation is not a felony. Some, like the one in Kissimme, Fla., near Orlando, sound sunny and warm. Others destinations had me befuddled, like Worley, Idaho, or Union City, Mich.

Really? Michigan? They’re going to put a nudist resort in a place where people wear longhandles on their wedding nights? Sounds like someone stayed a little too long at the naked cookout without a hat and got brain frostbite.
But in toasty warm Wilton, Calif., the Laguna Del Sol resort hosts NudeStock each year, which I assume means you get to listen to really loud rock music, roll in the mud and relieve yourselves in porta-potties, all while nekkid. That’s my kind of nakation.

Then there’s the Avalon resort in the Nakation Capital of the World: PawPaw, W. Va. The Avalon hosts a Nude Year’s Eve gala each year which leaves me wondering: What does one wear to such an event?

Avalon’s Web site says men wear cumberbunds and bow ties but what about women? We like to feel special on New Year’s Eve. It’s not like I’m going to wear this same old skin that everyone’s already seen me in. Besides, it’s wrinkled and faded. Maybe the women could wear tiaras. But then there would be a fight over seeing another woman wearing the same thing as you. I sure would hate to see the police have to come bust up a nude catfight between middle-aged women.

Oh, come on. Stop giggling. It’s so immature.