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Hilarious southern mama threats submitted by you guys

When I posted a meme recently about Southern mamas making violent threats they never carry out – such as “I’ll pinch your head off” – some of you added your own that are even more colorful.

They’re pretty funny, if you take them as intended (and not as a form of child abuse. After all, the reason for making the threats is so they won’t have to take action. Usually. I hope).

I thought I’d share a few:

  • “I’ll make you think the ground flew up and hit you!” (My personal favorite)
  • “I’ll knock you cross-eyed.”
  • “I’ll whip your behind until you will be eating off the mantle.” (I’m assuming this means the punished person would have to stand rather than sit).
  • “I’m fixin’ to jerk a knot in your tail.”
  • “I’m fixin’ to light you up.”
  • “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” (An old standard for a certain generation)
  • “I’m fixin’ to tear you up!”
  • “I am going to knock you upside the head.” (I’ve also heard “whomp you upside the head.”)
  • “I brought you into this world; I can take you out.”
  • “I am going to slap you silly.”
  • “I’m going to sell you to the gypsies!”
  • “I’ll snatch you bald-headed.”
  • “You’re only a stick away from a switching!”
  • “I’ll slap you nekkid!”
  • “Boy, do that one more time and I’m gonna blister your bottom.”
  • “If you don’t settle down I’m going to turn you inside out!”


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