Southern Thing Column

6 ways you can tell your dog is the boss of you

If you missed last week’s column on It’s a Southern Thing (, you can read it by clicking here. Below are the first paragraphs.

I couldn’t tell you how many times my big brother, Doofus, and I would scream at one another: “You’re not the boss of me!” Enough times that we made my mom threaten to cut a switch, or trade us for children who would actually love each other and not put the empty Cap’n Crunch box back in the pantry. Yet, I’ve never once felt the need to say it to my Trusty Sidedog Lucy. The most likely reason is that, until recently, I never knew she was trying to boss me.

I always thought Lucy – whose full Southern name is Lucy Sue – was just like any other dog, only a gabillion times more adorable. I mean, wook at the widdle face. Then I met Sweetums, who is all high-and-mighty with his perfectly behaved German Shephard, and he proceeded to tell me that my dog had trained me to do her bidding.

At first, I had my doubts. But Sweetums, dadgum him, had put the idea in my head and I began to notice signs – tiny ones, mind you – that my dog might be a brilliant mastermind.  

If you’re looking at your doggo right now and wondering what’s going on behind that cute snout, here are six signs to look for:

  • She’s napping – in full snore – on the sofa next to you. You’ll do contortions so as not to disturb her. You’ll grab the remote with your toes. Dislocate a shoulder to reach your soft drink. You have to pee but hold it, trying to recall if you’re wearing a Poise pad. You’re not even sure when you decided her comfort was more important than your urgent bodily functions. You just know that you did.

Click here to read the full column on It’s a Southern Thing.

Lucy Sue Kazek.

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