OK, people. I have to take issue with a recent survey. I know what you’re thinking – I often take issue with surveys. But I have a very logical reason: They’re stupid.
Researchers in this survey asked 3,099 people a really ridiculous question and came to a really ridiculous conclusion, as researchers tend to do. Specifically, the website TopCashback.com determined that “78 percent of parents admit to stealing candy from their kids’ Halloween candy,” according to Cleveland Channel 19.
My main issue is the fact that they used the word “stealing.” Y’all, there is no such thing as stealing from your own child. There just isn’t. In my case, I’d need to “steal” about $200,000 worth of Swedish fish just to break even on my kid.
Access to Halloween candy is one of those things we considered before becoming parents. Having a kid in tow makes a great excuse not just for begging random strangers for candy, but for watching animated films about talking sponges and hanging out in the toy aisle at the Walmarts. Trust me, parents don’t go into the venture all willy-nilly; we spend countless hours making lists of reasons to have or not have children. Mine went sorta like this:
Cons: loss of sleep, loss of sanity, loss of figure, loss of ever again having enough money.
Pros: first dibs on the Halloween candy. The Halloween survey went on to proclaim that 28 percent of those questioned admitted they ate “more candy than their own kids.” Well, obvi. We’re lots bigger. Like I said, it’s technically ours anyway. Click here to be directed to the full column.