How do you know if you are being stalked by a Southern or Northern Bigfoot? It’s a question science wrestles with, by which I mean laughs at. Below is an excerpt from my book “Not Quite Right: Mostly True Tales of a Weird News Reporter.” To order a signed copy for $15, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
A group of Bigfoot researchers whose members hunt in several Gulf Coast states is planning to “harvest a specimen,” hopefully a “rogue male” that will prove the existence of the elusive critter. The group’s website quotes the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History as saying “the only way to prove the existence of new species that cannot be found or taken alive is through a ‘voucher specimen,’ a dead body on the table to provide definitive proof.” Well, sure. Nobody’s going to believe a photo anymore, ever since Calvin Klein digitally enhanced Justin Beiber’s (whisper) package in that underwear ad.
The Bigfoot hunters described southern Sasqui, who have names like Alabama Booger Monster and Florida Skunk Ape, as being bigger and faster than those in other areas (It’s true that southerners are well-known for those traits, just look at the University of Alabama football team). They also said that when the creatures are not ripping up saplings to throw at campers, southern Sasqui can be spotted in agricultural areas shucking and eating ears of corn, which seems to me the perfect time to catch one, while he’s carefully removing those pesky little corn hairs before slathering that thing with butter.
I, for one, can’t believe any southerner, Bigfoot or not, would be rude enough to throw a sapling at someone … unless maybe he was a guest on the Jerry Springer Show with his Baby-Mama at the time. We are known as a hospitable and mannerly bunch. I would recommend, if you’re looking for the Big Guy in the South, look for one who:
- Says “thank you, ma’am” or “sir” after he swipes your Yeti cooler and carries it into the woods;
- Says “excuse me,” if he burps or (whisper) toots;
- Never tracks mud inside your tent upon entering;
- Doesn’t get sloppy drunk in front of the ladies, or leave his Natty Lite cans lying around the forest;
- If you come upon him at his place, he always offers you a glass of sweet tea or a Co-cola after you’ve stopped screaming;
- Would never, ever use four-letter grunts in front of a lady;
- Takes off his John Deere baseball cap before sitting at the dinner table. (Otherwise, Nanna-squatch will slap it right off, along with some of his hair);
- Rocks a modified mullet – it’s a party in the front and in the back kind of hairstyle.
- Wouldn’t be caught dead in a man-bun. (Squatch-bun?)
(Advisory: Remember, there is no such thing as Bigfoot. This PSA is a presented out of an abundance of caution, and the desire to not become a Bigfoot bride should I happen to be wrong.)