OK, y’all, I’m writing this late at night, with the lights out. I can’t let Sweetums know about this but I need your help, so …
I’ve been gathering evidence for some time to back my suspicion that Sweetums is actually from another planet. You may have seen some of my social media posts that support my claim – and I’m not just talking about the fact that he’s 6-foot-7 and freakishly strong, that he always seems to know what I’m thinking, or that he owns no fewer than 15 Bigfoot T-shirts.
No, it’s more than that. A couple of months back, I posted on Facebook about a disagreement Sweetums and I were having over the words to the children’s song, “On Top of Spaghetti.” As other responses came in supporting my version of lyrics, by which I mean the right one, Sweetums replied, “So how did I learn a different meatball song than this one?”
Then, I find out Sweetums has never seen a single episode of “The Brady Bunch.” I know he’s a little younger than me, y’all, but I thought everyone – at least every human – knows what I mean when I say “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.” See that post here.
But then came the most shocking discovery –the final piece of evidence I needed to show I must have married a real-for-sure, beam-me-up alien, y’all. Here’s how it happened: We were discussing “The Brady Bunch” and things we learn as children when Sweetums began singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star:”
“Twinkle, twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are …”
I interrupted here to say, “It’s what, not where.” He continued:
“Way up in the sky so bright
won’t you guide ….”
Wait. Hold up. He better not say “my sleigh.”
“… me home tonight?”
I laughed so hard I had to bend over to keep from going tinkle, tinkle little star.
“What?” he asked.
“You didn’t say ‘sleigh’ but I still think you have it confused with Rudolph.”
“No, I don’t,” he said.
“It’s wrong,” I said, trying to catch my breath.
“How do I know the words, then?” Which, of course, is my point. He doesn’t know the words. He tried again, “Then why does it rhyme?”
Bless his heart. He sings the wrong lyrics to the most simplistic and ubiquitous children’s song of all time! That thought brought me up short and I looked at him suspiciously. He says he’d sung it that way his entire life – or at least as long as he’s been on Earth – so it must be right. I sent him off to Google and guess what? Google agreed with me.
I think he just didn’t pay attention in alien school to the History of the Earth’s Pop Culture class.
I’m trying to get him to sing his version of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” but he just pouts. Still, I plan to continue gathering evidence … meanwhile, y’all check on me every now and then and be sure I’m not in a pod or cocoon or something, kay?
I’d appreciate it.