It’s not often journalists get to write about Bigfoot erotica, a fact for which most of us are eternally grateful. Unless, like me, you’re a Weird News Reporter … and then you’re just screwed.
So far, in the hours since the news broke at about noon Monday, no fewer than six people have shared with me a story involving the south, politics and Bigfoot porn. Do you find that disturbing? Me too. But, really, I can’t blame the people who sent me the story. It’s all my fault. After all, I discuss Bigfoot at length in my book “Not Quite Right: Mostly True Tales of a Weird New Reporter,” and – brace yourselves – I even discuss “monster erotica,” a genre of writing (and unfortunately sometimes film-making) into which Bigfoot porn falls.
I’m just doing my job, y’all. This week’s situation is proof that if you aren’t aware of the seamier side of life, you may just get blindsided by accusations that a Congressional candidate writes books about libidinous cryptids who probably go by names like Love Monkey, Wild Thang and SweetumSquatch (Oh, wait …. That last one is Sweetums’ Twitter handle.)
Here’s the story that brought this phenomenon into the mainstream media:
Leslie Cockburn, a woman running for a Virginia Congressional seat, has accused her opponent, Republican Denver Riggleman, of sharing images of Bigfoot with its (whisper) dangly bits covered by a black censor bar (And no, I am not pointing out the accuser’s wildly inappropriate surname. That would be childish).
Any-hoo, turns out Riggleman does have a thing for the furry cryptid: He is writing the book, “The Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him,” which he says is satire. The artworks he shares on Instagram are jokes related to this interest, he says, and not the intimate goings-on between Sassy-squatch and her Love Monkey.
He claims Cockburn is just trying to start trouble; she says Rigglemen has a fur fetish – basically, politics as usual. According to Bloomberg, “Riggleman said he’s found Cockburn’s attacks ‘hilarious’ and warned that she was in danger of losing support of pro-Bigfoot potential constituents.” Which these days is a pretty big portion of the population considering that, you know, Bigfoot’s not real.
Here’s an excerpt from “Not Quite Right” that shows how I learned about monster erotica … and a few other things that permanently damaged my eyes. It’s from the chapter called, “The Time a T-Rex Got Busy: Or a Brief History of My Search Engine”:
Weird News Reporting was admittedly more difficult in the pre-internet era. I could visit odd roadside attractions or interview those unique souls who create outsider art, but it was more difficult to find the historical backgrounds of reportedly haunted houses or keep track of trends such as women making soap from pumped breast milk.
The internet is a Weird News Reporter’s dream . . . or nightmare, depending on how you look at it. Sometimes, when the Amazon message pops up saying, “We have recommendations for you, Kelly,” I’m frankly a little nervous. It might be the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer that makes perfectly even slices, or it might be a Reindeer Boob kit containing googly eyes and antlers to decorate your bare breast for the office Christmas party. Then there are days when I worry my bosses might decide to check the search history on my browser. It’s all work related, but the question is, does that really make it better? Some examples:
Weird baby shower treats>
… Uterus cookies>
…. Why make uterus cookies?>
….. Why does my uterus make noise?>
…… Gurgling uterus>pregnancy>
…… WTH??? Gurgling uterus???>
…….. GET HELP NOW!
(Those last two lines didn’t really appear in the search window. I just assumed someone at Google would be behind the screen screaming it.)
Weird gift ideas>
.. Crocheted scene from The Exorcist>
… How to crochet green vomit>
…. What does “yarn vomit” mean?>
….. Really? Just “tangled yarn?”>
……. Why not just call it tangled yarn?
Bigfoot takes a bride>
.. Hybrid-offspring of human and Bigfoot>
… Monster erotica>
…. Monster porn>
…. Can a T-Rex even reach down there?>
…… How would a leprechaun get in that position?
Traits of southern Bigfoot>
.. What is the plural of Bigfoot, Bigfoots or Bigfeet?>
… What is the plural of Sasquatch?>
… Shouldn’t it be Sasqui?>
…. Really, I’m pretty sure it has to be Sasqui>
…… Hello? Google?
Optional voice-over feature describing movie action for the blind>
.. Descriptive movie audio>
… Descriptive movie audio for porn>
…. Porn Hub’s philanthropic arm adds descriptive movie audio>
…. Wait – blind people watch porn?>
…… How would that voice description sound?>
……. Steamy and passionate, or a golf-announcer monotone “he put it there” kind of way?>
……. Wait – Porn Hub has a philanthropic arm?>
…… What does a porn purveyor’s benevolent “arm” do exactly?>
…….. What’s the nearest place to buy Excedrin?