Now for your regularly scheduled Bigfoot report, 3/2018

Any of you who follow me regularly know I would rather go out in public without makeup than make fun of someone. That would be un-southern.

But I feel I must tell you that a California woman is suing her state for endangering the public by refusing to recognize the existence of Bigfoot. This is important news, y’all. Someone from California, a bizarre land where people choose to eat kale over biscuits, is trying to protect us. We can’t let that go unnoticed. We should all send thank-you cards.

The woman, Claudia Ackley, told the Press-Enterprise in Riverdale: “People have to be warned about these things. They are big. We’re totally vulnerable to these things.”

She didn’t file the suit on a whim. She did it after some rangers at Lake Arrowhead park refused to believe her when she reported sighting three Sasqui there last year. (For those who don’t recall, the plural of Bigfoot and Sasquatch is not Bigfoots or Bigfeet or Sasquatches. I know because I made up Sasqui and personally designated it the official plural. You’re welcome.)

“He looked like a Neanderthal man with hair all over him,” Ackley said. “He had solid black eyes. He had no expression on his face at all. He did not show his teeth. He just stared at the three of us.”

Here’s the Bigfoot report from November 2017.

Despite the fact that Ackley has been researching the creatures for some 20 years, the rangers dismissed Ackley, saying she had seen some bears. You can understand how being dismissed made her feel. She may not be southern but she can apparently still throw a hissy. How dare they say she hadn’t seen this mythical creature? Who are they to know what is lurking in their park? So, like any right-minded person, she decided the best approach was to sue the California Department of Fish and Wildlife and the Natural Resources Agency.

The newspaper reported: “Fish and Wildlife spokesman Andrew Hughan declined to comment, citing the lawsuit. He did say that Bigfoot is not a recognized species by his agency.” Do you know why he made that bold claim, y’all? Because Bigfoot isn’t real.

Todd Standing, creator of the series “Discovering Bigfoot,” said Ackley plans to present fingerprint and DNA evidence in the case. “If this goes to court, we will win, easily,” he said. “It’s not a joke…. The best wilderness experts in the world are coming out to testify.”

I sure hope the state doesn’t decide to settle the suit. The public has a right to know the truth, once and for all, about the existence of Bigfoot. Besides, it would be interesting to see a California woman have a conniption. Now that would be a rare sighting.