Southern Thing Column

How to kill a spider without setting anything on fire

Following is an excerpt from this week’s column on The link at the bottom takes you to the full column.

When a writer feels the need to pen a column with a headline like this, you know it’s time to declare a national state of stupidity because here’s what it means: People have been setting things on fire while trying to kill spiders.

You may be thinking it’s a rare occurrence. You may be thinking any right-minded person knows better. You’d be wrong.

Earlier this week, a man in Redding, Calif., joined a growing number of people who misunderstood the phrase “fire bugs.” Seems the man set fire to his apartment complex while using a torch lighter on an unwanted visitor. Thankfully, no one was injured.

If this were an isolated incident, I’d attribute it to alcohol. Or drugs. Or the screams of the mother-in-law who’s taking cover behind his back. But this is at least the fifth time in five years someone killed a spider really, really, really dead with fire.

Click here to read the full column and spider-killing methods on

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