Following is an excerpt from this week’s humor column on AL.com. The link at the bottom takes you to the full column.
Spoiler-alert-to-end-all-spoiler-alerts: If you love the animated special “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” or Christmas in general, DO NOT read further. You will never look at Santa the same way again. So why am I sharing? Because it gives us something to be depressed about other than the current soul-sucking state of Alabama politics. Just sayin’.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” first aired two months before I was born, so I have watched it every year for half a century. For most of us, it’s a sentimental favorite and a family tradition. I watched it the other night on CBS and it took me to my happy, fuzzy place – until Sweetums and the internet ruined it for me.
Here’s how it began: Near the end of the show, not long before Santa and his team of reindeer detour to pick up the Misfit Toys, Sweetums posed a question. “If Santa and the elves make all the toys in the world, where did the Misfit Toys come from?”
As much as I wanted to say, “Probably Dollar General,” I stopped myself. Because he was right. Firstly, everyone knows Santa – like God – doesn’t make mistakes. Secondly, all toys come from Santa. Ergo, there should be no imperfect toys. And yet there’s an entire island filled with them. Living on ice. With just a small fire for warmth. Is there anything sadder? Way to play with our heart strings, Burl Ives.
But I wasn’t satisfied with just the one plot hole Sweetums had uncovered. No, I had to start googling. We all know Rudolph was bullied, of course. That’s the point of the song/show. But then I discovered there’s an entire group of people on Twitter who have trouble with “Rudolph.” Just search #RudolphtheRedNosedReindeer. There are even videos on YouTube called “Santa’s a jerk in ‘Rudolph.’”
It left me depressed and I figured what better way to handle misery than to share it with others. Plus, it’s fun, by which I mean completely perverse, to remind people that in this PC world where everyone is offended by everything, we can no longer even enjoy children’s shows.
So here you go:
1. Rudolph’s dad was verbally abusive. And physically, if you count slapping a fake nose on his kid, shown above, despite Rudolph imploring, “It’s not vewy comfable.” Think about it. Would you force cave dirt on the nose of your unwilling kid?
2. Hermey suffers workplace harassment, mocked and denied his break just because he doesn’t enjoy his work. That could be any of us. It’s a good thing Hermey wasn’t litigious.
3. Santa’s a pretty cold dude. He apparently doesn’t realize Title VII says he can’t discriminate based on race or color of nose. Click here to red the full column on AL.com.