Today’s post is an excerpt from my 2009 book “Fairly Off Mother: Musings of a Slightly Off Southern Mom.” Offended guys can send complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org. That way, I can be sure to read it and chuckle before deleting. Kidding! You guys know I take all of your input seriously.
[By Kelly Kazek] Having a big brother teaches you early about the differences between males and females, important truths you will carry with you throughout life. Ever since we were kids and my big brother, Doofus, was knocked unconscious by a parked car, I knew guys would do anything to:
A) get an adrenaline rush;
B) get attention from girls;
C) not back down from a double-dog dare even it could potentially lead to, say, a concussion or loss of limb.
Guys have the philosophy: Act now, think later — and sometimes “later” means 20 or 30 years.
My brother’s incident occurred when, after a rare snow, he was sledding down a steep hill in a parking lot on a trash can lid, which are known for their aerodynamics but not necessarily safety features such as power steering and airbags. This, as any female would know, makes undertaking this activity inherently dangerous, and therefore idiotic.
Losing control of the lid, my brother slid beneath a parked car, smacking his head on its underside at a great rate of speed.
He lived, but for a few days his head was pretty sore and I think he wiped out sixth grade, but it turns out he didn’t need it anyway. Among his friends, my brother was hailed a hero, a daredevil: the Evel Knievel of our cul-de-sac.
Men, I have learned, do not outgrow this. Earlier this month in Vallejo, Calif., a guy was arrested for — remember, I would never lie to you — punching a camel.
The attack, according to the FoxNews.com report, was unprovoked. The camel did not, for instance, offer to buy this guy’s girlfriend a drink. It did not throw down a challenge to his sports team. As far as anyone can determine, the camel did not so much as insult the guy’s driving. Why, you are likely thinking if you are a woman, would a guy assault a perfectly innocent camel?
If you are a guy, you are thinking: “Cool,” and then “Someone musta dared him.” According to the story, that’s exactly what happened. On a dare from his closest friends, meaning guys who appreciate his ability to belch the national anthem, the 24-year-old (24!) went into a restricted area of Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, cold-cocked the unsuspecting camel, whose last thought before blacking out, if it was female, was: “Why would a guy assault a perfectly innocent camel?” But a guy camel would have known and, on some level, understood. He may have thought, “Cool,” before losing consciousness. The attacker and the driver of the “getaway car” were arrested.
The women working in our newsroom, upon hearing this story, remarked that 24 seemed awfully old to be: making dares, taking dares and hanging out at theme parks with a bunch of guys getting arrested for assaulting camels.
I know better. Here’s why: Last weekend, I accompanied a friend to a cookout. Two of the 30-something guys at the gathering — guys with good-paying jobs at a large engineering firm at which, we assume, they are required to actually think — decided to have a towel-snapping contest in which they popped twisted, wet towels at various body parts in an effort to inflict pain.
I know what you’re thinking:
On the first pass, the whip-snap of the towel would have made Indiana Jones proud. The victim managed not to flinch despite the fact that a large welt appeared on the back of his leg and, I kid you not, began bleeding.
The contest continued despite the appearance of blood, which women respond to by securing the area and beginning first aid, and men respond to with: “Cool.”
Soon, the guys were comparing towel marks in regions that are typically covered by clothing.
I have lived a great many years and I can say without hesitation that I have never witnessed two women snapping wet towels at each other, and the only time I have seen women draw blood was when only one designer purse was left on the 80-percent-off table. I also have never seen a woman go up to a guy and say, “Ooooh, the way you snap that towel really revs my engine. Wanna buy me a drink?”
What does this tell us about the differences between the genders?
A) Women do not inflict pain on themselves or others unless there are serious discounts involved, and
B) Men should spend more time thinking.
Also, if there are guys around, you might want to lock your linen closet and, just to be safe, keep your camel indoors.