Shazam, y’all. I read a post from Scary Mommy’s blog today about some new panties featuring animal faces with “3D” ears. She thought it was important to let women know such a thing exists, writing “You pick your favorite animal, and its face goes directly over your lady garden, and also your buttocks where the ears poke out over the top.” (See the cat-face undies here)
I applaud her efforts, as I am prone to warning readers about new and interesting products myself (such as the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears). I can also claim experience on this topic, having once written about the dangers of thongs. (Read it here)
However, as a longtime reporter, I’m am hyper-aware of the innocent-looking dangers that surround us and occurred to me that these underpants could be hazardous so I’m extending on Scary Mommy’s announcement to bring you a what-if PSA. Here’s what could happen if you aren’t careful:
Good for exercise … for the dog
The racoon panties are so cute. But I discovered after ordering them that I was denied the joy of gazing upon the critter’s adorable ears because, you know, they were on my butt. (If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: If God wanted us to look at our own butts, she’d have put them on the front). I tried wearing them backward but they chaffed. Finally, thinking it would be good exercise, I put them on my beagle and let my coon hound chase her. On a completely unrelated note, if you see either of them, please call. The kids are starting to miss them.
Decorated with pigs, not for pigs
You’d think if someone is going to make underwear with a pig on the hindend, they’d at least go to size large instead of “one-size-fits-women-with-the-hips-of-a-12-year-old-boy.” Just sayin.’
Don’t ever wear these camping
The squirrel-ear panties were so adorable that I bought them for a friend. But then she went camping and wore them to bed with her nightshirt. Unfortunately, she tends to sleep on her stomach. During the night, two weasels, a fox and a snake attacked and nearly dis-assed-her. Now she only wears them under pants. High-waisted pants so the ears don’t show. She learned her lesson.
It could wreak havoc on your lady garden
I ordered a pair with the cat face on the crotch and butt. At first, I found them to be quite comfortable. Then my dog jumped on the bed where I was lying in a T-shirt on undies. I’m going to return them with a strongly worded letter. Right after my nether regions heal.