Sweetums and I are known to watch some really, really bad horror movies. Why? Because they’re usually pretty dang funny. But sometimes, the movie premises are too weird, even for us, and that’s saying something.
Here’s a list of a few we’ve come across, but couldn’t watch.
Released 1990. IMDb synopsis: “A medical student sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of Manhattan street prostitutes.”
Well, of course. Where else do you look for a new body for your loved one but Frankenhookers R Us? Look for coupons in the Sunday edition of The New York Times.
Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies
Released 2016. IMDb synopsis: “Zombie action in the Alps: a group of young snowboarders is stuck in a remote mountain ski resort, where an all-night aprés-ski party soon turns into a hellish nightmare of zombie mayhem.”
So many questions. But mainly: Where did the zombies get the lederhosen? Also: Why?
Released 2010. IMDb synopsis: “A homicidal car tire, discovering it has destructive psionic power, sets its sights on a desert town once a mysterious woman becomes its obsession.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Never piss off the car tire.
Released 2003. IMDb synopsis: “A serial killer mutates with a chemical inside a sewer, to become a monster made of human waste just as the FBI and police are onto him.”
Authorities will eventually flush him out. It’s holding onto him that’s going to be the problem…
Released 2009. IMDb synopsis: “A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.”
They’ve been plotting revenge since the landing at Plymouth Rock.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
Released 2006. IMDb synopsis: “Zombified chickens attempt to kill the fast-food workers that cook them in a restaurant built on an ancient burial ground.”
Bet fast food workers taste like chicken.
Released 2006. IMDb synopsis: “Straight-laced nerd Alistair moves into a college dorm with hardcore marijuana users Brett, Larnell, and Bachman. Larnell orders an old giant bong that proves to have strange magical powers. When smoked said bong sends a person to a bizarre drugged-out alternate realm from which there is no easy escape.”
Nobody watching this really cares what it’s about. They’ve already fallen prey.
The Man with the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician Who Loved Him
Limited release in 2003, by which I mean the filmmaker’s living room.
OK, so this is a short film with no description but I wanted to include it because, well, it says (whisper) penis right there in the title. I didn’t watch it but I assume it’s NSFW. Although it may only be unsuitable if you have a microscope at work.