Throw-pillow Philosophy

Often, when writing my columns, life-changing sayings just fall from my head, like little dandruffs of wisdom. I’m planning to start a business embroidering these gems on throw pillows so they can be shared with the world. You’re welcome. (btw, if you know anyone who knows how to embroider, or make throw pillows, or start a business, holler.) Here are some examples I hope to offer soon:

  • There’s a reason God invented underwear, y’all.
  • It’s as hot as an Alabama governor in church.
  • If we were meant to eat raw veggies, God wouldn’t have invented Crisco.
  • Might as well love yourself today. You’ll only be fatter tomorrow.
  • You can’t fix stupid. But you can hide it in the closet.
  • Mama always said: “God don’t like ugly.”
  • Everything you need to know you can learn from an episode of the Golden Girls.
  • Christmas in the South: Turn on the air conditioner so you can use the fireplace.
  • Not Quite Right: Adj., peculiar; odd. Southern usage: Most of your relatives.
  • In the South, “liberal media” means editing the blood from the dead deer photos.
  • I had a choice: Buy this fundraiser throw pillow, or make cookies for the bake sale.
  • Cover your naughty bits. There’s a reason they’re called privates.