Wasp nests don’t belong in your lady parts (because apparently some women need to be told)

Note: This blog post contains reference to ladies’ (whisper) nether parts, using only scientific terms in a professional manner, of course.

Another day, another weird trend. But this one is even more dangerous than, say, bro-rompers, which seem like they could cause severe front-wedgie discomfort. (Click here to read the AL.com column).

This new trend, unfortunately, requires a warning. For whom, I couldn’t tell you. It seems pretty straightforward to me that we should not, under any circumstances, put wasps’ nests in our (whisper) vajayjays.

What happened is this: A seller on Etsy is proffering oak galls, little pouches containing “bark and wasp excreta that once nurtured a wasp larva,” with the claim that they can tighten the vagina, “restore the elasticity of the uterine wall,” as well as clean your choochie and improve your experience in the (whisper) marital bed.

(Side note: Apparently, galls can also be used to tan leather, cast spells, make decorative centerpieces, or make ink. They’re versatile little buggers, so why hide their light under a bush, so to speak.)

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When I came across a story about this latest trend, I also discovered there is a doctor out in blogland known as the Guardian of the Vagina. Who knew? (Wouldn’t you love to know what her superhero costume looks like? Oh … that was just me?).

Her name is Dr. Jen Gunter and she uses her blog to warn people “about the latest products targeting your vagina,” according to an article on Forbes.com. I thought the Forbes reporter’s wording made it seem like our nether regions are under attack. I was more than a little concerned. Now I’m wondering if I need Teflon underpanties, or at the very least, to start sitting with my legs crossed.

In any case, now we have a Guardian of the Vagina to help us out, so don’t fret. Gunter tells us on her blog why putting wasp detritus in our (whisper) privates is not a good idea: “Drying the vaginal mucosa increases the risk of abrasions during sex (not good) and destroys the protective mucous layer (not good). It could also wreak havoc with the good bacteria.”

Wreak havoc, y’all. Down there!

I can state the case even more simply: If God had wanted us to put wasp excreta in there, he would have designed it with easier access. When Eve was wandering around naked, do you imagine she ever thought, Gee, my Lady Garden is looking a little flabby. I wish I could get a wasp to fly up in there and tighten it up a little? No. Do you know how I know? Because no right-minded person would do such a thing.

I think I speak for women everywhere when I say the Etsy seller has a lot of galls, trying to take advantage of women who just want a firm hooha. Although I’ve never understood that trend, either. Another thing I know for sure is that all flowers eventually droop, even in our lady gardens.